Alright Nate, your introduction is pretty fantastic. You definitely know how to draw the reader in with the back and forth dialogue interspersed with casual details. The way that you have put small bits of detail around the main focus of the story makes it feel as though, as the reader, you are slowly catching glimpses of your surroundings. You start it with a wider view of the entire tavern, but as the introduction closes, you've brought the focus entirely to Frederick. A problem I noticed was the phrasing of the last sentence in the first paragraph "...the outline of his biceps was like a watermelon..." Try to change the phrasing so both 'biceps' and 'watermelon' are plural. It will smooth out the flow of the story a little. Another place to consider rephrasing a little is "...in a place he had long ago buried away..." It just seems a little wordy, and could be more concise.
Hey Nate, awesome story! This was a great way to introduce your topic. You excelled at putting in detail that made the story seem eerily real. I can picture the group of men sitting and standing around, swapping stories and trying to one-up each other. I love the way you brought in the stereotypical "Vampires in Transylvania" but then turning it on its head by dismissing them as nothing compared to the vampires in India. I'm very interested to see how you incorporate what we've been reading in Indian Epics into a vampire story. You had a couple of little type-o's, so make sure to be reading through your material! I thought you did a great job picking out your images for your site. The owl is a classically haunting creature, so that immediately set the mood in a subtle way. The tavern image was great too, but it looked a little cartoon-y, which seemed a little inconsistent since the owl was so realistic.
Ahoy Nate! I really like the way you've set up your story with this introduction. Setting up the narrative of your storybook with this tales in a tavern format is really smart, and should lead to some cool stories being told. There are a couple typos here and there, the only one that really stood out was you used 'tail' instead of 'tale' when talking about Thurston's story. The only reason I even noticed is because I've done this a hundred times. I really like the way you have set up your site, with a creepy, ghost story kind of atmosphere. It really sets the tone of the kind of stories you want to tell. I look forward to hearing more of these Indian mythological horror stories, I feel like this source material is criminally under utilized in modern pop-culture. Maybe someday other people will start implementing elements from Indian epics into horror stories the way you plan to!
Nate, your introduction is amazing, the scene you set easily could be the introduction of a movie, everything is described so vividly for the reader. I do not know if this is something you have played before, but the first image in my mind was an opening cutscene of a "Witcher" type video game when I read the story. I liked your us of changing the way the characters spoke, such as the slurring drunk, and was wondering if this was something that could be taken even further, in order to bring to like the sounds and well as the sights. You wrote this scene in such a way as to be familiar, I could see this being in any horror story, without being repetitive, as in while it could be in any story, it also was something I knew I have not seen in any of them. This fine line is what really sold me on the storybook concept, and I look forward to reading more of your posts on this site in the future.
Wow, Nate, this introduction is absolutely amazing. I can tell you must read a lot of fantasy novels or at least play fantasy games, because the details were great and very believable. I don't pay too many video games anymore, but I used to play Skyrim when I was in high school and this definitely gave me nostalgia of that world. I could visualize very easily every sentence that you added, and I loved the imagery! Focusing on the "monsters" in India is a fantastic idea and one that I haven't read about yet from anyone else in the class directory! I particularly liked your first sentence, where you pick up what John is talking about in the middle of his sentence. It gives it more of an action feeling rather than a "John said this, John said that." The spacing is nice too, and is easy to read. Keep up the awesome descriptions, and I really look forward to reading more haunting stories from you in the next few weeks.
Hi Nate! Your introduction is amazing. I honestly felt like I was reading a book! The detail was so real. I could literally picture what was happening. This is such a great way to set your storybook. I like the idea that this will be a collaboration of tells from a single person. Will John and other people occasionally but in during your future stories? That would be a great way to keep their characters in it. Your introduction was very entertaining to read and left me wanting more. Will this storybook contain mostly vampire stories, or will other creatures come into play? I really liked how your banner picture tied into the story. It looks how I picture the place the introduction is taking place would. Great job incorporating this. I really look forward to seeing how this project takes shape. I am also a fan of vampire books, so this project has really stuck out to me. Great job and I look forward to reading more.
Where do I start? I first just read through every blog I leave comments for and then reread it more slowly, sentence by sentence. I honestly can say that I could find nothing that you could change in your introduction to make it better. At first I was seriously wondering, why in the world is the setting of the introduction in a bar, when we're supposed to be focusing on something relating to India. Then I got to reading the rest of the introduction and I did not want it to end! I was so caught up in what Frederik was saying that I did not even realize that it was already the end. Your introduction was phenomenal, everything from how that slurred words would probably sound to the descriptions. Your introduction definitely shows you know how to write well and have read your fair share of books. My imagination was rampant while reading your introduction and I would suggest that to any person and you have already got that down. I cannot wait to read the rest of what Fredrik has to say!
Hi, Nate! I think this was a great start to your storybook. I think vampires are such a cool way to modernize and change the stories we are reading this semester. I like that your intro just jumps right in. I love all the dialogue and the different characters. It will be so interesting to see where they end up throughout your storybook. I also want to know Frederik’s tales of creatures and such. You did a great job pulling me in as a reader. I hope you continue to use a lot of dialogue, it is not something I have ever been good at but yours is very compelling. Also, the layout of your website and the pictures you have used are so pretty and bring a whole imagery to your story. So glad I got to read your intro and cannot wait to read more and see where it all goes!!
Hey, Nate when I first clicked on your page it caught my attention because it looks so mysterious. So, when I started reading the story I was ready to see what you had in store. I noticed there was a lot of dialogue in the story which I liked a lot. Reading this tale I felt like I was watching an action movie, all the different characters made it interesting, there might be some areas you could cut out to made the story shorter, maybe some dialogue. but other than that I think this is a well laid out tale that kept my attention the whole time when I was reading it, I look forward to reading the other stories you make later on in this semester. The ending of the story was creepy to me but I liked how it ended. it made me think dang what if that was me. But maybe to make it short take out some dialogue and add a short flashback memory in the tale this might spice it up if you put it in the middle of the tale.
Hi Nate! I love your concept, and the picture you chose for your header works really well to establish the feel of a spooky tavern in a world of monsters.
Your introduction was very engaging. I like the way you start out the story focused on John and then shift to the real star Frederik. One thing I noticed that you might want to revisit is the last piece of dialogue from Frederik. He says "Some of the tales I tell aren't my own tales" then later says "But I have some of my own tales as well." I wonder if it would be more compact and easier to read if you reworked that speech so that it was less repetitive.
I also enjoyed "Red Lines in the Night." The only part that seemed like you could trim without losing to much is the interaction between Vengalu and Frederik. I liked their interaction, but if you have to cut something, that seemed like it would have the least impact on the rest of the story. One thing I noticed was that when Frederik approaches Vengalu's house you say "daybreak" is approaching, but I think you mean nightfall or dusk. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your stories!
Hey Nate. First off your title is perfect and did a great job of really pulling me in and wanting to read more into your storybook. Next I read the introduction and that only more greatly made me want to delve into the story! I think the idea behind trying to find parallels between cultures for horror tales is a great idea. I too have always wondered about what you are researching. Your first story was very interesting. I think it was a little lengthy but i am guilty of this as well. sometimes it is hard to find the things that are easy to shorten up or cut out. The theme of the story was well thought out I could tell. Not only was it suppose to be a horror story but also it just felt like a creepy story. The way the story ended was perfect i thought for how the story was made. I think you did a great job here and can't wait to wee what you have for us in the future.
Nate, Your introduction is so well written. It drew me into your storybook instantly. I love how descriptive you were with your setting. I almost felt like I was sitting there in Bulgaria. I like how you utilize different font styles to imply what the character's are thinking at the time. Basing this part of your stroy book off of a creature allowed for a great degree of freedom when writing. You continue to use great dialogue between your character's which only helps them feel more human. I look forward to reading what you have to write in the next few weeks. I would consider trying to find a picture or two to include alongside your story. I think this would help to create an even more dynamic scene.
Hi Nate! The title of your Storybook is intriguing and definitely pulls readers in. Your Home page does a wonderful job of explaining your Storybook title, and the reason and purpose behind why you are writing what you are writing. It was your well-written and descriptive Introduction that gave me a clear idea of what you are writing. I especially enjoyed how you did not initially tie in India until the end of the Introduction because it made it that much more curious and intriguing. Now, I am not a huge fan of horror and scary stories, but by the end of the Introduction, I was pulled in and wanted to read more, so kudos to you for creating such a compelling Introduction! The "Red Lines in the Night" was a well-written story that I kept on wanting to read. However, it was kind of lengthy so if you wanted to shorten it maybe make the first half of the story before Frederik went into the cemetery a bit shorter. Overall, what a great Storybook you have written thus far and I am excited to read the rest!
Hey, Nate! I was drawn to your project because it has a very "things that go bump in the night" feel, and that's awesome. I'm also super fascinated by creatures that can be found across cultures, mine is dragons where yours is vampires. Super different cultures somehow come up with the same or similar creature and it fascinates me. Anyway, your stories are well written. Your strengths are in the details, your detail does a great job of drawing the reader into the story. Most of my revision suggests are nitpicky grammar and punctuation stuff like comma splices and ending sentences with prepositions. Stuff like that is easy to miss. I don't think I have anything else revision wise for the writing itself. Perhaps think about adding something else to the site itself some sort of different media such as sound, music, or video to enhance the project as a whole. Thanks for sharing, I will be back to read more. Well done!
Hey Nate, nice to meet you! I am from the Myth-Folklore class. I am very impressed by the details that you have in your writing. Also I enjoyed that you used so much dialogue. My favorite part of your storybook is your introduction because it does a really good job of setting the scene. The details and imagery in your introduction made me feel like I was there sitting with the characters and listening to the stories. Also, you did a great job of picking out headers that give your website and eery feeling that goes along with the stories. I feel like the introduction is one of the most important parts of the storybook because it gives background to the reader and informs them what the rest of the stories will be about. You definitely killed it! I am looking forward to seeing how you storybook develops over the next couple of weeks. Overall, really great job!
Hey Nate! I’ve been meaning to catch back up on your storybook but haven’t had the chance to until now. It definitely exceeded my expectations. I love your style. Your descriptions always feel like they carry so much weight. They feel necessary to the story and not like they are just some frivolous words that you added to pad out the word count. I think the gritty nature of the stories definitely plays well into your style. You’re able to build suspense incredibly well. I particularly liked the part where he was being stalked by the creature. With every step Frederick took I felt the monster creeping closer. I almost had to have a look behind me to make sure there wasn’t anything there. I thought the monster disguising itself as a deer was a nice touch. I knew it was the monster, but I was still second guessing myself. Great story! I am looking forward to seeing your project finished!
I really liked your introduction. I thought that you did a great job with the dialogue. I was able to imagine the characters perfectly with your descriptions - great job! I really enjoyed the storytelling style that you used for your introduction. It was a great way to draw in the readers, especially those that are interested in scary stories. I was immediately drawn in by your intro. Your story called Red Lines in the Night was so good! The vivid descriptions and dialogue between the characters was exceptional. It had so many creative outlets throughout the story that really brought it to life. I don't have any major critiques at all - I thought it was great. The only recommendation that I have is regarding the images. Maybe you could consider adding an image or two to bring imagery to your story? I noticed the graveyard image at the top, but it could add something if you added like a picture of the deer, or a picture of the red eyes, or maybe one of Frederik. I am a huge picture person, so its always nice to see illustrations in stories! But other than that, you did a great job!
Hey Nate! First of all, I was blown away by your introduction! Your dialogue kept me on the edge of my seat and your setting perfectly fit the characters. I was thoroughly intrigued at what was to come as Frederick told his tales of India. Your first story was also really great! As before, your descriptions gave me a perfect picture of what Frederick was seeing and thinking with each passing moment. One thing that may help bring the stories together is a quick intro into the story to illustrate that Frederick is telling the men in the bar at the "Red Lines in the Night." After quickly introducing this, the rest of the story could remain exactly the same, but it would be a good reminder that right now Frederick is in a bar amazing all of the patrons with this tale! Also, you might look at adding some pictures to give a concrete example to go with your vivid imagery! You really did a great job, I'm excited to read more!
Hi Nate! I was really excited to read your newest story. I still love your concept, and learning about monsters from Indian folklore through your stories has been really fascinating.
Since I already commented on your intro and "Red Lines in the Night," I'll focus on "On Wicked Wings." You did a really good job with this story. The way you introduce the stream as just an element of the setting at first before it becomes central to the story was really clever. The pacing of the story as a whole was also really good. I was always excited to read on. The only part of the story that seemed like it might be able to be improved was the first few paragraphs. They just don't seem to flow as well as the rest of the story, and I wonder if there's a way to make them as engaging as what follows them.
Hey Nate! Wow I am so in love with your story. I read your introduction at the beginning of the semester, and was eager to see where you went from there. I really like the idea of focusing on creatures instead of specific myths or stories. This has given you a lot of freedom to create fantastical stories and concepts. I like the use of italics to show Frederik's and Aayuman’s thoughts. It helps the reader understand the story without having to add dialogue. You are a very visual writer and it was fun to read through your story. One thing that I would change is the image on the home page. I think that since you now have an owl as the cover photo for “On Wicked Wings,” you might change the cover image on the home page. I actually like the owl on the home page better, so maybe you could move that to “On Wicked Wings” and choose a new eerie photo for the home page. Great work with your stories so far! Can’t wait to see how it wraps up.
I love how you designed your storybook project site, and I think you used really cool graphics! The picture in the banner is really beautiful and immediately caught my attention when I went to your page. Your project's homepage makes me excited to start reading, and I love the banner images you use on each of your story's pages. Great job with that.
I love your intro because it is very different and original. I really like how your intro starts off with so much dialogue. Also, you give great descriptions in your story. In my opinion, the details really help the reader picture the story coming to life. I was able to picture the setting and the story characters by reading your intro, and I think your intro is very well written. You did a great job, and I love your overall them. I look forward to seeing how your storybook ends!
Hey Nate! I really like your storybook. The home page background image is awesome and it really sets the tone for the stories. I like your mini introduction to the stories on your home page. It gives good context to your writing style. Your introduction story is really well done. I like how you break up the dialogue so its easy to read and the story flows so well because of it. You set the scene very well in the intro paragraph and it helps the reader feel like they are in the tavern with the characters. The tension in the story between John and Frederik is really well done and adds a lot of suspense to the story. The other stories are given such a cool backstory with this intro and how it's being told by an old man to a bunch of strangers in a tavern. It made me excited to read the rest of your stories too. Overall great work and I look forward to seeing the finished product.
Hi Nate! Your storybook is fantastic! The intro has some amazing dialogue, and I could picture the scene so clearly I felt like I was there. Between that and the rest of your stories, it's clear that atmosphere is your strong suit. Another way you could build on that would be to change the background color of the site to something darker instead of white. Google Sites makes it pretty easy to add a dark grey background, or you could pick an image like a dark night sky, and it will adjust the font color to be legible. Another thing I really love about your stories is the suspense. You build it up really well, with just enough detail that the reader's imagination fills in the blanks and adds more tension. I'm up late finishing this and some other stuff, and maybe I'm just a weenie, but I definitely got a little spooked. Great job!
Hi Nate! Wow! Your storybook is awesome and the layout and look of your project website looks great too! The image that you chose for the header on your home page fits perfectly and sets the tone for the rest of your stories. I really like how you did a little bit of an introduction on the home page of your site. I think it sets the mood well and lets the readers see into why you wrote about what you did. You do a create job with creating suspense within your stories. The suspense made me want to continue to read. Another thing that I really like about your stories is how you use really descriptive words. By doing that, it made me more intrigued as the reader! Overall, I think you have done a really great job! Good luck with the rest of your semester!
Hi Nate! I love that you’ve included an intro to your intro on the homepage of your storybook! The title of the storybook gave me a hint of what I was getting into, but that little blurb had me hooked for sure. I am honestly so blown away with how well you’ve set the scene in your introduction. All of the detail is incredible. You might want to read through it one more time out loud because I noticed a couple places that seemed slightly repetitive. Like in the last few sentences, “tale” is used a lot. In the second story, you use the word “daybreak” but this doesn’t quite make sense because it means sunrise not sundown. This story is incredible though!! The last story confused me a little bit. How old is Aayuman? At first, he seems like a man, but in the end his uncle speaks to him like he’s a child. And how did he run into his uncle if he was running back on the path away from his home? Was his uncle on the trail with him? Overall, your storybook is amazing. The intro and your stories are so detailed, professional, and real-feeling. Keep up the good work!!
Hey Nate! Another great story! Your font size seems a lot smaller. It is a bit hard to read. This week’s was much more of a thriller than the last. I felt the hairs stand up on my neck as the creature pursued. I am a bit sad we didn’t get to see more of Frederick, but the story was much scarier without him. The character being stalked not being a professional monster hunter certainly seems to have helped with that. I like that you were able to extrapolate on the monster. You did a fantastic job of making it frightening. I liked the imagery of the jaw unhinging. It just adds that extra layer of terror and drives home that this thing isn’t natural. I liked the ending as well. I thought it was both happy, and fitting. Fantastic story as always, Nate. I am really looking forward to the last story!
Hey there Nate, I really liked both of your stories. Last time I was here, you only had your intro up, so it's nice to actually read some of your full stories. I thought both of them were excellent. I like that you didn't base them on older stories, but rather took mythical beasts and based your own stories around them. The writing on both of your stories was great, you really made both of the creatures seem evil and menacing. I especially liked the way you wrote Frederick having to enchant his blade with a mantra. My only complaint is that the connection between the monster in your first story and the woman's husband seemed kind of unclear. Is the creature just sapping life from him or something? I don't know, maybe I'm just dumb. But awesome stories none the less! I hope I can read at least one more before the class is over!
Hey Nate! I really like your storybook idea. It is a cool idea to mesh two different story traditions and create a whole new idea that is all your own. I really like your background image for your home page. It does a good job of setting the scene for the reader. I think your intro to your project does a good job of bringing people in and keeping them interested to read more of your story. Your stories are really well done and the dialogue is engaging and impactful. You do a good job of building suspense in the "on Wicked Wings" story and I think it adds a new dimension to your writing. You did a good job of combining your stories together without making them feel separate, which helps a lot to make them your own. Overall really good job with the storybook and I look forward to seeing how it turns out at the end of the semester.
Hey there, Nate! This was my first time to check out your storybook. I was really excited to look at something new this week. I also hope that I can offer a set of fresh eyes and provide some useful feedback for you this week. The first thing that I noticed was the presentation of the storybook and the background image. It really fits the mood of the scary story vibe. I like the inclusion of dialogue throughout your stories. It was especially useful during the intro when you were giving the reader a taste of what was to come. I find that useful inclusion of dialogue is always a great way to draw the reader into your story. You do a great job of creating excitement from the beginning. Each individual story was very well written. I like how you included lots of visual details to describe what was taking place. The author's notes at the end of each story also clearly provided background information and how you created your stories.
Hey, Nate, I visited your storybook a couple weeks ago and decided to come back and see what you've added. You did not disappoint. Your details and descriptions are so rich and vivid - definitely one of your writing strengths. Your dialogue is spot on too, it doesn't feel like there are any extra or wasted words. Even the look of your site is great with the black background and white font. It makes the site immersive and really puts you in the stories, ya know dark - theme dark page background. I don't have any revision suggestions writing wise because it is great. But I think a few extra images throughout your stories would be a great way to immerse your reader even more. Your header images are great but I found myself wanting something to break up the text just a little bit. I think adding images would be a great way to do that without taking away from your writing. Again, well done!
I really like the aesthetic of your website. The “What Lurks In The Shadows Of India” project title is very apt for the design you chose. Your banner images are also really effective. They add to the feel of the website. For your introduction page, I think you set up the entire setting of your project incredibly well. Your use of descriptive language was spot on. Sometimes, I read paragraphs that are trying way too hard, but the imagery in your page was very effective. The story I read after the introduction was the “Red Lines In The Night” one. Just like the introduction, the imagery you used in the story was incredible. It’s impressive how interesting the main character you have created is. These stories are short by design, but I found myself being very interested in the life of Fredrick. The action sequence you wrote was very well done too.
Hey Nate! This was another great story! I actually had no idea where you were going with it. Having the key to defeating the creature be not speaking was a pretty cool idea. I was completely unable to figure that out while reading the story until Frederick figured it out. Well done making a plot point unpredictable while still pointing to it. I really liked the first two paragraphs of the story. I think they did a fantastic job of giving us more insight into Frederick as a character. He isn’t the one-dimensional, gruff man I originally pictured after reading your introduction. He is still gruff, but he isn’t one-dimensional. I felt you did a fantastic job describing the corpses. Those were definitely creepy. This story didn’t feel as suspenseful as the last two. I wouldn’t expect it to be as scary as the second story since Frederick is a professional. But it is a tad bit less frightening than the first one. That being said, it much more unsettling than the first two stories.
Howdy Nate, gotta say, I really liked this latest story. It was really cool seeing Frederick's thought process as he deduced the method by which the Vetala operates. It really showed how intelligent and cunning he is. You did a great job of keeping things suspenseful, and I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how he was going to figure out how to defeat the monster. While I like your banner image you used, I think the story could have used another image in the middle of the story to break things up and paint more of a picture about the location of the battle. The only other thing I can think of is to ask a question. When Frederick entered the town, did he check everyone's beds before going to the cemetery? Other than that, I thought it was an awesome story, and I've really enjoyed reading your stories this semester!
Hi Nate! I’ve commented on your story book before, but I was so impressed the first time I wanted to come back and see what else you’ve added. As usual your use of imagery is incredible. The banner image at the top sets the reader up for a creepy gruesome tale. Your description of the cemetery and corpses is detailed and incredible. I love that you’ve written out the thoughts of Frederik so we can follow along with him. The problem solving he’s going through in his head is very interesting and creative. The fact that the creature needed Frederik to speak was a very unique idea as well. The Vetala mentions having made an offer to the village people. What was this deal and where were the villagers? Had it killed them? I definitely enjoy jumping straight into the action, but it makes me wonder what took place before. Very nice job with everything!
I am doing a story commenting assignment and I can easily say that your stories are excellent. They are creative and draw the reader in and made me want to continue to read. Great Job!
Now to the specifics. First, I like how each of your stories has detail and background information. It really helped me to make connections with in your story. Also, each of your authors notes are very descriptive and helped to clear up any confusion I had after reading. Next, I really like the dialogue you put in your stories. It seemed different from other dialogue I have read. I showed information regarding the characters and showed relationships between each character. The only suggestion I have is to increase the font size. I think your stories are well written both conceptually and in writing style. Great Job and good luck with the rest of your semester!
Alright Nate, your introduction is pretty fantastic. You definitely know how to draw the reader in with the back and forth dialogue interspersed with casual details. The way that you have put small bits of detail around the main focus of the story makes it feel as though, as the reader, you are slowly catching glimpses of your surroundings. You start it with a wider view of the entire tavern, but as the introduction closes, you've brought the focus entirely to Frederick. A problem I noticed was the phrasing of the last sentence in the first paragraph "...the outline of his biceps was like a watermelon..." Try to change the phrasing so both 'biceps' and 'watermelon' are plural. It will smooth out the flow of the story a little. Another place to consider rephrasing a little is "...in a place he had long ago buried away..." It just seems a little wordy, and could be more concise.
ReplyDeleteHey Nate, awesome story! This was a great way to introduce your topic. You excelled at putting in detail that made the story seem eerily real. I can picture the group of men sitting and standing around, swapping stories and trying to one-up each other. I love the way you brought in the stereotypical "Vampires in Transylvania" but then turning it on its head by dismissing them as nothing compared to the vampires in India. I'm very interested to see how you incorporate what we've been reading in Indian Epics into a vampire story. You had a couple of little type-o's, so make sure to be reading through your material! I thought you did a great job picking out your images for your site. The owl is a classically haunting creature, so that immediately set the mood in a subtle way. The tavern image was great too, but it looked a little cartoon-y, which seemed a little inconsistent since the owl was so realistic.
ReplyDeleteAhoy Nate!
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you've set up your story with this introduction. Setting up the narrative of your storybook with this tales in a tavern format is really smart, and should lead to some cool stories being told. There are a couple typos here and there, the only one that really stood out was you used 'tail' instead of 'tale' when talking about Thurston's story. The only reason I even noticed is because I've done this a hundred times. I really like the way you have set up your site, with a creepy, ghost story kind of atmosphere. It really sets the tone of the kind of stories you want to tell. I look forward to hearing more of these Indian mythological horror stories, I feel like this source material is criminally under utilized in modern pop-culture. Maybe someday other people will start implementing elements from Indian epics into horror stories the way you plan to!
Nate, your introduction is amazing, the scene you set easily could be the introduction of a movie, everything is described so vividly for the reader. I do not know if this is something you have played before, but the first image in my mind was an opening cutscene of a "Witcher" type video game when I read the story. I liked your us of changing the way the characters spoke, such as the slurring drunk, and was wondering if this was something that could be taken even further, in order to bring to like the sounds and well as the sights. You wrote this scene in such a way as to be familiar, I could see this being in any horror story, without being repetitive, as in while it could be in any story, it also was something I knew I have not seen in any of them. This fine line is what really sold me on the storybook concept, and I look forward to reading more of your posts on this site in the future.
ReplyDeleteWow, Nate, this introduction is absolutely amazing. I can tell you must read a lot of fantasy novels or at least play fantasy games, because the details were great and very believable. I don't pay too many video games anymore, but I used to play Skyrim when I was in high school and this definitely gave me nostalgia of that world. I could visualize very easily every sentence that you added, and I loved the imagery! Focusing on the "monsters" in India is a fantastic idea and one that I haven't read about yet from anyone else in the class directory! I particularly liked your first sentence, where you pick up what John is talking about in the middle of his sentence. It gives it more of an action feeling rather than a "John said this, John said that." The spacing is nice too, and is easy to read. Keep up the awesome descriptions, and I really look forward to reading more haunting stories from you in the next few weeks.
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! Your introduction is amazing. I honestly felt like I was reading a book! The detail was so real. I could literally picture what was happening. This is such a great way to set your storybook. I like the idea that this will be a collaboration of tells from a single person. Will John and other people occasionally but in during your future stories? That would be a great way to keep their characters in it. Your introduction was very entertaining to read and left me wanting more. Will this storybook contain mostly vampire stories, or will other creatures come into play? I really liked how your banner picture tied into the story. It looks how I picture the place the introduction is taking place would. Great job incorporating this. I really look forward to seeing how this project takes shape. I am also a fan of vampire books, so this project has really stuck out to me. Great job and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHey Nate! Your storybook is fantastic so far! I really like the mood you have set with the introduction. A dark and gritty undertone fits this topic perfectly. Your descriptions are great. I really liked your description of John. Even though you describe him as an imposingly large man, it is still pretty clear that he lacks grit. The introduction to Frederik was a bit cliché. I’m mostly just glad you didn’t have him be the one laughing out at John. That would have been even more cliché. I really liked the last line. Tying it back to the title of the storybook is a really clever idea. I am not sure how I feel about him whispering the line about go to India for real vampires. It may just be me, but I feel like it loses a little bit of weight and some of that grittiness. I understand if its like something he doesn’t want the others to hear, but he still says it with a group of bystanders huddled around him. Then he even offers to follow up on what he just whispered about. To me it feels like the whisper was added for dramatic effect, but Frederik does not seem like a man that needs to add dramatic effect. Maybe just have him say it quietly but not whisper it. Overall though, good start to the project!
ReplyDeleteHi Nate!
ReplyDeleteWhere do I start? I first just read through every blog I leave comments for and then reread it more slowly, sentence by sentence. I honestly can say that I could find nothing that you could change in your introduction to make it better. At first I was seriously wondering, why in the world is the setting of the introduction in a bar, when we're supposed to be focusing on something relating to India. Then I got to reading the rest of the introduction and I did not want it to end! I was so caught up in what Frederik was saying that I did not even realize that it was already the end. Your introduction was phenomenal, everything from how that slurred words would probably sound to the descriptions. Your introduction definitely shows you know how to write well and have read your fair share of books. My imagination was rampant while reading your introduction and I would suggest that to any person and you have already got that down. I cannot wait to read the rest of what Fredrik has to say!
Hi, Nate! I think this was a great start to your storybook. I think vampires are such a cool way to modernize and change the stories we are reading this semester. I like that your intro just jumps right in. I love all the dialogue and the different characters. It will be so interesting to see where they end up throughout your storybook. I also want to know Frederik’s tales of creatures and such. You did a great job pulling me in as a reader. I hope you continue to use a lot of dialogue, it is not something I have ever been good at but yours is very compelling. Also, the layout of your website and the pictures you have used are so pretty and bring a whole imagery to your story. So glad I got to read your intro and cannot wait to read more and see where it all goes!!
ReplyDeleteHey, Nate when I first clicked on your page it caught my attention because it looks so mysterious. So, when I started reading the story I was ready to see what you had in store. I noticed there was a lot of dialogue in the story which I liked a lot. Reading this tale I felt like I was watching an action movie, all the different characters made it interesting, there might be some areas you could cut out to made the story shorter, maybe some dialogue. but other than that I think this is a well laid out tale that kept my attention the whole time when I was reading it, I look forward to reading the other stories you make later on in this semester. The ending of the story was creepy to me but I liked how it ended. it made me think dang what if that was me. But maybe to make it short take out some dialogue and add a short flashback memory in the tale this might spice it up if you put it in the middle of the tale.
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! I love your concept, and the picture you chose for your header works really well to establish the feel of a spooky tavern in a world of monsters.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was very engaging. I like the way you start out the story focused on John and then shift to the real star Frederik. One thing I noticed that you might want to revisit is the last piece of dialogue from Frederik. He says "Some of the tales I tell aren't my own tales" then later says "But I have some of my own tales as well." I wonder if it would be more compact and easier to read if you reworked that speech so that it was less repetitive.
I also enjoyed "Red Lines in the Night." The only part that seemed like you could trim without losing to much is the interaction between Vengalu and Frederik. I liked their interaction, but if you have to cut something, that seemed like it would have the least impact on the rest of the story. One thing I noticed was that when Frederik approaches Vengalu's house you say "daybreak" is approaching, but I think you mean nightfall or dusk. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your stories!
Hey Nate. First off your title is perfect and did a great job of really pulling me in and wanting to read more into your storybook. Next I read the introduction and that only more greatly made me want to delve into the story! I think the idea behind trying to find parallels between cultures for horror tales is a great idea. I too have always wondered about what you are researching. Your first story was very interesting. I think it was a little lengthy but i am guilty of this as well. sometimes it is hard to find the things that are easy to shorten up or cut out. The theme of the story was well thought out I could tell. Not only was it suppose to be a horror story but also it just felt like a creepy story. The way the story ended was perfect i thought for how the story was made. I think you did a great job here and can't wait to wee what you have for us in the future.
ReplyDeleteNate,
ReplyDeleteYour introduction is so well written. It drew me into your storybook instantly. I love how descriptive you were with your setting. I almost felt like I was sitting there in Bulgaria. I like how you utilize different font styles to imply what the character's are thinking at the time. Basing this part of your stroy book off of a creature allowed for a great degree of freedom when writing. You continue to use great dialogue between your character's which only helps them feel more human. I look forward to reading what you have to write in the next few weeks. I would consider trying to find a picture or two to include alongside your story. I think this would help to create an even more dynamic scene.
Hi Nate! The title of your Storybook is intriguing and definitely pulls readers in. Your Home page does a wonderful job of explaining your Storybook title, and the reason and purpose behind why you are writing what you are writing. It was your well-written and descriptive Introduction that gave me a clear idea of what you are writing. I especially enjoyed how you did not initially tie in India until the end of the Introduction because it made it that much more curious and intriguing. Now, I am not a huge fan of horror and scary stories, but by the end of the Introduction, I was pulled in and wanted to read more, so kudos to you for creating such a compelling Introduction! The "Red Lines in the Night" was a well-written story that I kept on wanting to read. However, it was kind of lengthy so if you wanted to shorten it maybe make the first half of the story before Frederik went into the cemetery a bit shorter. Overall, what a great Storybook you have written thus far and I am excited to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteHey, Nate! I was drawn to your project because it has a very "things that go bump in the night" feel, and that's awesome. I'm also super fascinated by creatures that can be found across cultures, mine is dragons where yours is vampires. Super different cultures somehow come up with the same or similar creature and it fascinates me. Anyway, your stories are well written. Your strengths are in the details, your detail does a great job of drawing the reader into the story. Most of my revision suggests are nitpicky grammar and punctuation stuff like comma splices and ending sentences with prepositions. Stuff like that is easy to miss. I don't think I have anything else revision wise for the writing itself. Perhaps think about adding something else to the site itself some sort of different media such as sound, music, or video to enhance the project as a whole. Thanks for sharing, I will be back to read more. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate, nice to meet you! I am from the Myth-Folklore class. I am very impressed by the details that you have in your writing. Also I enjoyed that you used so much dialogue. My favorite part of your storybook is your introduction because it does a really good job of setting the scene. The details and imagery in your introduction made me feel like I was there sitting with the characters and listening to the stories. Also, you did a great job of picking out headers that give your website and eery feeling that goes along with the stories. I feel like the introduction is one of the most important parts of the storybook because it gives background to the reader and informs them what the rest of the stories will be about. You definitely killed it! I am looking forward to seeing how you storybook develops over the next couple of weeks. Overall, really great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate! I’ve been meaning to catch back up on your storybook but haven’t had the chance to until now. It definitely exceeded my expectations. I love your style. Your descriptions always feel like they carry so much weight. They feel necessary to the story and not like they are just some frivolous words that you added to pad out the word count. I think the gritty nature of the stories definitely plays well into your style. You’re able to build suspense incredibly well. I particularly liked the part where he was being stalked by the creature. With every step Frederick took I felt the monster creeping closer. I almost had to have a look behind me to make sure there wasn’t anything there. I thought the monster disguising itself as a deer was a nice touch. I knew it was the monster, but I was still second guessing myself. Great story! I am looking forward to seeing your project finished!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your introduction. I thought that you did a great job with the dialogue. I was able to imagine the characters perfectly with your descriptions - great job! I really enjoyed the storytelling style that you used for your introduction. It was a great way to draw in the readers, especially those that are interested in scary stories. I was immediately drawn in by your intro. Your story called Red Lines in the Night was so good! The vivid descriptions and dialogue between the characters was exceptional. It had so many creative outlets throughout the story that really brought it to life. I don't have any major critiques at all - I thought it was great. The only recommendation that I have is regarding the images. Maybe you could consider adding an image or two to bring imagery to your story? I noticed the graveyard image at the top, but it could add something if you added like a picture of the deer, or a picture of the red eyes, or maybe one of Frederik. I am a huge picture person, so its always nice to see illustrations in stories! But other than that, you did a great job!
Hey Nate!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I was blown away by your introduction! Your dialogue kept me on the edge of my seat and your setting perfectly fit the characters. I was thoroughly intrigued at what was to come as Frederick told his tales of India.
Your first story was also really great! As before, your descriptions gave me a perfect picture of what Frederick was seeing and thinking with each passing moment.
One thing that may help bring the stories together is a quick intro into the story to illustrate that Frederick is telling the men in the bar at the "Red Lines in the Night." After quickly introducing this, the rest of the story could remain exactly the same, but it would be a good reminder that right now Frederick is in a bar amazing all of the patrons with this tale! Also, you might look at adding some pictures to give a concrete example to go with your vivid imagery! You really did a great job, I'm excited to read more!
Hi Nate! I was really excited to read your newest story. I still love your concept, and learning about monsters from Indian folklore through your stories has been really fascinating.
ReplyDeleteSince I already commented on your intro and "Red Lines in the Night," I'll focus on "On Wicked Wings." You did a really good job with this story. The way you introduce the stream as just an element of the setting at first before it becomes central to the story was really clever. The pacing of the story as a whole was also really good. I was always excited to read on. The only part of the story that seemed like it might be able to be improved was the first few paragraphs. They just don't seem to flow as well as the rest of the story, and I wonder if there's a way to make them as engaging as what follows them.
Hey Nate! Wow I am so in love with your story. I read your introduction at the beginning of the semester, and was eager to see where you went from there. I really like the idea of focusing on creatures instead of specific myths or stories. This has given you a lot of freedom to create fantastical stories and concepts. I like the use of italics to show Frederik's and Aayuman’s thoughts. It helps the reader understand the story without having to add dialogue. You are a very visual writer and it was fun to read through your story. One thing that I would change is the image on the home page. I think that since you now have an owl as the cover photo for “On Wicked Wings,” you might change the cover image on the home page. I actually like the owl on the home page better, so maybe you could move that to “On Wicked Wings” and choose a new eerie photo for the home page. Great work with your stories so far! Can’t wait to see how it wraps up.
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ReplyDeleteNate!
I love how you designed your storybook project site, and I think you used really cool graphics! The picture in the banner is really beautiful and immediately caught my attention when I went to your page. Your project's homepage makes me excited to start reading, and I love the banner images you use on each of your story's pages. Great job with that.
I love your intro because it is very different and original. I really like how your intro starts off with so much dialogue. Also, you give great descriptions in your story. In my opinion, the details really help the reader picture the story coming to life. I was able to picture the setting and the story characters by reading your intro, and I think your intro is very well written. You did a great job, and I love your overall them. I look forward to seeing how your storybook ends!
Hey Nate! I really like your storybook. The home page background image is awesome and it really sets the tone for the stories. I like your mini introduction to the stories on your home page. It gives good context to your writing style. Your introduction story is really well done. I like how you break up the dialogue so its easy to read and the story flows so well because of it. You set the scene very well in the intro paragraph and it helps the reader feel like they are in the tavern with the characters. The tension in the story between John and Frederik is really well done and adds a lot of suspense to the story. The other stories are given such a cool backstory with this intro and how it's being told by an old man to a bunch of strangers in a tavern. It made me excited to read the rest of your stories too. Overall great work and I look forward to seeing the finished product.
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! Your storybook is fantastic! The intro has some amazing dialogue, and I could picture the scene so clearly I felt like I was there. Between that and the rest of your stories, it's clear that atmosphere is your strong suit. Another way you could build on that would be to change the background color of the site to something darker instead of white. Google Sites makes it pretty easy to add a dark grey background, or you could pick an image like a dark night sky, and it will adjust the font color to be legible. Another thing I really love about your stories is the suspense. You build it up really well, with just enough detail that the reader's imagination fills in the blanks and adds more tension. I'm up late finishing this and some other stuff, and maybe I'm just a weenie, but I definitely got a little spooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! Wow! Your storybook is awesome and the layout and look of your project website looks great too! The image that you chose for the header on your home page fits perfectly and sets the tone for the rest of your stories. I really like how you did a little bit of an introduction on the home page of your site. I think it sets the mood well and lets the readers see into why you wrote about what you did. You do a create job with creating suspense within your stories. The suspense made me want to continue to read. Another thing that I really like about your stories is how you use really descriptive words. By doing that, it made me more intrigued as the reader! Overall, I think you have done a really great job! Good luck with the rest of your semester!
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! I love that you’ve included an intro to your intro on the homepage of your storybook! The title of the storybook gave me a hint of what I was getting into, but that little blurb had me hooked for sure. I am honestly so blown away with how well you’ve set the scene in your introduction. All of the detail is incredible. You might want to read through it one more time out loud because I noticed a couple places that seemed slightly repetitive. Like in the last few sentences, “tale” is used a lot. In the second story, you use the word “daybreak” but this doesn’t quite make sense because it means sunrise not sundown. This story is incredible though!! The last story confused me a little bit. How old is Aayuman? At first, he seems like a man, but in the end his uncle speaks to him like he’s a child. And how did he run into his uncle if he was running back on the path away from his home? Was his uncle on the trail with him? Overall, your storybook is amazing. The intro and your stories are so detailed, professional, and real-feeling. Keep up the good work!!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate! Another great story! Your font size seems a lot smaller. It is a bit hard to read. This week’s was much more of a thriller than the last. I felt the hairs stand up on my neck as the creature pursued. I am a bit sad we didn’t get to see more of Frederick, but the story was much scarier without him. The character being stalked not being a professional monster hunter certainly seems to have helped with that. I like that you were able to extrapolate on the monster. You did a fantastic job of making it frightening. I liked the imagery of the jaw unhinging. It just adds that extra layer of terror and drives home that this thing isn’t natural. I liked the ending as well. I thought it was both happy, and fitting. Fantastic story as always, Nate. I am really looking forward to the last story!
ReplyDeleteHey there Nate, I really liked both of your stories. Last time I was here, you only had your intro up, so it's nice to actually read some of your full stories. I thought both of them were excellent. I like that you didn't base them on older stories, but rather took mythical beasts and based your own stories around them. The writing on both of your stories was great, you really made both of the creatures seem evil and menacing. I especially liked the way you wrote Frederick having to enchant his blade with a mantra. My only complaint is that the connection between the monster in your first story and the woman's husband seemed kind of unclear. Is the creature just sapping life from him or something? I don't know, maybe I'm just dumb. But awesome stories none the less! I hope I can read at least one more before the class is over!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate! I really like your storybook idea. It is a cool idea to mesh two different story traditions and create a whole new idea that is all your own. I really like your background image for your home page. It does a good job of setting the scene for the reader. I think your intro to your project does a good job of bringing people in and keeping them interested to read more of your story. Your stories are really well done and the dialogue is engaging and impactful. You do a good job of building suspense in the "on Wicked Wings" story and I think it adds a new dimension to your writing. You did a good job of combining your stories together without making them feel separate, which helps a lot to make them your own. Overall really good job with the storybook and I look forward to seeing how it turns out at the end of the semester.
ReplyDeleteHey there, Nate!
ReplyDeleteThis was my first time to check out your storybook. I was really excited to look at something new this week. I also hope that I can offer a set of fresh eyes and provide some useful feedback for you this week. The first thing that I noticed was the presentation of the storybook and the background image. It really fits the mood of the scary story vibe. I like the inclusion of dialogue throughout your stories. It was especially useful during the intro when you were giving the reader a taste of what was to come. I find that useful inclusion of dialogue is always a great way to draw the reader into your story. You do a great job of creating excitement from the beginning. Each individual story was very well written. I like how you included lots of visual details to describe what was taking place. The author's notes at the end of each story also clearly provided background information and how you created your stories.
Hey, Nate, I visited your storybook a couple weeks ago and decided to come back and see what you've added. You did not disappoint. Your details and descriptions are so rich and vivid - definitely one of your writing strengths. Your dialogue is spot on too, it doesn't feel like there are any extra or wasted words. Even the look of your site is great with the black background and white font. It makes the site immersive and really puts you in the stories, ya know dark - theme dark page background. I don't have any revision suggestions writing wise because it is great. But I think a few extra images throughout your stories would be a great way to immerse your reader even more. Your header images are great but I found myself wanting something to break up the text just a little bit. I think adding images would be a great way to do that without taking away from your writing. Again, well done!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate,
ReplyDeleteI really like the aesthetic of your website. The “What Lurks In The Shadows Of India” project title is very apt for the design you chose. Your banner images are also really effective. They add to the feel of the website. For your introduction page, I think you set up the entire setting of your project incredibly well. Your use of descriptive language was spot on. Sometimes, I read paragraphs that are trying way too hard, but the imagery in your page was very effective. The story I read after the introduction was the “Red Lines In The Night” one. Just like the introduction, the imagery you used in the story was incredible. It’s impressive how interesting the main character you have created is. These stories are short by design, but I found myself being very interested in the life of Fredrick. The action sequence you wrote was very well done too.
Hey Nate! This was another great story! I actually had no idea where you were going with it. Having the key to defeating the creature be not speaking was a pretty cool idea. I was completely unable to figure that out while reading the story until Frederick figured it out. Well done making a plot point unpredictable while still pointing to it. I really liked the first two paragraphs of the story. I think they did a fantastic job of giving us more insight into Frederick as a character. He isn’t the one-dimensional, gruff man I originally pictured after reading your introduction. He is still gruff, but he isn’t one-dimensional. I felt you did a fantastic job describing the corpses. Those were definitely creepy. This story didn’t feel as suspenseful as the last two. I wouldn’t expect it to be as scary as the second story since Frederick is a professional. But it is a tad bit less frightening than the first one. That being said, it much more unsettling than the first two stories.
ReplyDeleteHowdy Nate, gotta say, I really liked this latest story. It was really cool seeing Frederick's thought process as he deduced the method by which the Vetala operates. It really showed how intelligent and cunning he is. You did a great job of keeping things suspenseful, and I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out how he was going to figure out how to defeat the monster. While I like your banner image you used, I think the story could have used another image in the middle of the story to break things up and paint more of a picture about the location of the battle. The only other thing I can think of is to ask a question. When Frederick entered the town, did he check everyone's beds before going to the cemetery? Other than that, I thought it was an awesome story, and I've really enjoyed reading your stories this semester!
ReplyDeleteHi Nate! I’ve commented on your story book before, but I was so impressed the first time I wanted to come back and see what else you’ve added. As usual your use of imagery is incredible. The banner image at the top sets the reader up for a creepy gruesome tale. Your description of the cemetery and corpses is detailed and incredible. I love that you’ve written out the thoughts of Frederik so we can follow along with him. The problem solving he’s going through in his head is very interesting and creative. The fact that the creature needed Frederik to speak was a very unique idea as well. The Vetala mentions having made an offer to the village people. What was this deal and where were the villagers? Had it killed them? I definitely enjoy jumping straight into the action, but it makes me wonder what took place before. Very nice job with everything!
ReplyDeleteHey Nate,
ReplyDeleteI am doing a story commenting assignment and I can easily say that your stories are excellent. They are creative and draw the reader in and made me want to continue to read. Great Job!
Now to the specifics. First, I like how each of your stories has detail and background information. It really helped me to make connections with in your story. Also, each of your authors notes are very descriptive and helped to clear up any confusion I had after reading. Next, I really like the dialogue you put in your stories. It seemed different from other dialogue I have read. I showed information regarding the characters and showed relationships between each character. The only suggestion I have is to increase the font size. I think your stories are well written both conceptually and in writing style. Great Job and good luck with the rest of your semester!